Sister Jensen's Words of Wisdom

I'm back!

2006-07-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

I realize that it has been almost a year since my last blog entry. I apologize to all of my righteous brothers and sisters out there who haven't had the opportunity to read my inspired words.

I must be honest, I've been extremely depressed over the loss of my husband to the love that dareth not speak its name. He has officially left me and moved to a downtown loft in Salt Lake City. Apparently, he is living with a 19 year-old boy named Cody. Brother Jensen has bleached and spiked his hair, pierced his ears, and filled his closet with rayon shirts. Hardly approrpriate for a 55 year-old man! I've hired a private investigator who has followed him around at night. The investigator tells me that Brother Jensen regularly attends a dance club called Axis, and another one called Sound where he rubs up against young men and drinks cosmopolitans until he can barely stand up.

As for me, I'll be honest, it has been a rough road. Thank god for prozac and the Book of Mormon! Withouth these blessings from the Lord, I'd probably curl up in a ball and eat keebler cookies until I died.

In spite of my foggy, prozac state, I've decided that I must fight homosexuality, as it is an egregious sin that destroys families and promotes yucky behavior. I've been to several town hall meetings, and I've also had some meetings with Gayle Ruzicka of the Eagle Forum. We' re destined to inspire people to leave their sinful ways and cleave to morality and proper living.

The Way We Were

2005-08-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank you for all of your prayers. I can feel the hand of Our Heavenly Father work in my life. In spite of the outrageousness of the past couple weeks, I will continue forward in my quest for eternal salvation.

I’ve returned home, but Brother Jensen has left town on business. It’s probably better this way. I just hope he isn’t doing the unmentionable with other “barely legal” young men out there. However, deep down, I know that I need to put his needs first since he is a priesthood holder.

It’s just so hard for me to accept my husband’s sexual deviance, especially considering how we met.

It was a warm Provo evening. I was filled with the Spirit as I attended a dance for BYU Orientation Week.

At the time, I was a young, eighteen year-old freshman. I wasn’t terribly interested in actually getting an education; I was more focused on getting what some like to call the M.R.S. Ha!

Anyway, as I danced the night away to some new wave hit of the moment (I want to say it was a piece of godless music from Men At Work) with my new roommate and needlepoint sister-in-Christ, Betsy Hall, I looked to the outside of the large clump of righteous BYU students to see a timid, bespectacled young man walking around the perimeter of the dancers. He looked nervous and apprehensive, and I knew immediately that we were going to be together forever.

I approached him and asked him to dance. He giggled and assented. I led the dance since I was clearly the more experienced dancer, but he seemed to hold his own.

Looking back on that night, I think what attracted me most to Brother Jensen was his sensitivity. He was only 21 and had just returned home from a mission to the Brazil Sao Paolo Northeast Southwest Mission.

But now I think I should have been more suspicious of his former mission companion, who he seemed attached to at the hip. As Brother Jensen and I began our courtship, I thought it strange that they would spend hours at a time wrestling on the ground together, practically ignoring me completely. I just laughed and thought about how Joseph Smith did the same thing when he was alive. Now it seems he just wanted to feel another man next to him.

I’m sorry, I’m too emotional to continue. More later…

Sister J

My Homosexual Husband

2005-08-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

Some of you out there may be wondering where I’ve been this past week. I’m sure that many of you are practically starving without the spiritual nourishment you receive when you read my edifying blogs.

I must confess that, for once, I’m at a loss for words. Well, almost at a loss for words. You see, I’ve discovered something about my husband that is tearing me asunder!

Just the other night, as I was surfing the web in search of a general conference talk from one of the brethren (“Spiritual Crocodiles” from Brother Packer, to be exact), a most unsightly pop up blared out at me from the computer monitor, much like Packer’s allegorical crocodiles that pop out of watering holes when you least expect them. The ad was of a naked young man with silky white skin and a flashing sign that read “Barely Legal”. I could scarcely believe my eyes.

I quickly x-ed out of the pop-up, intending to continue with my perusal for the talk, when I was hijacked and taken to a web site of homosexual sinners engaging in the love that dare not speaketh its name. On the top of the web page, it said, “Welcome Back, topdaddyspence” (for those of you who don’t know, my husband’s name is Jermiah Spencer Jensen, but he goes by Spencer, or Brother Jensen).

This particular web page was filthy. Pictures of men in leather harnesses and assless chaps assaulted my innocent eyes. And as it turns out, Brother Jensen had been on this site numerous times.

I vaguely recall the rest of the evening, but suffice it to say that I let out a horrible shriek. Brother Jensen came running into the room to witness his big secret being unearthed by the power of the Spirit. His face turned red and he tried to talk to me, but I wouldn’t listen.

“Elemay, I can explain. Sweetheart, I’m sorry…”

Mumbling and fumbling for words, Brother Jensen tried to console me. But I was having none of it. I ran out of the house, hopped in my minivan, and drove straight to my sister’s house, where I sat in her panic room with a Book of Mormon and a box of Oreos for three days straight. I finally emerged after a heavenly visitation by Moroni, in which I was instructed to finish the box of Oreos, read Alma chapter 5, and go to the Bountiful Temple.

So after an entire day spent in the temple, I’m sitting down to the computer to write these terrible tidings. It turns out that my husband has homosexual tendencies. I’ve been talking to Bishop Alexander about whether to divorce Spencer or stick with him. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I know the Spirit will lead me down paths of righteousness. Any suggestions out there?

S. Jensen

The Parting of the Veil

2005-08-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve had yet another spiritual experience. You may be asking yourself, Doesn’t the Spirit ever cease to be with Sister Jensen? The answer, of course, is a resounding no!

This past weekend, I went camping with the rest of our eternal family to the High Uintas. We had a lovely evening filled with prayer and songs of devotion. Of course, the Holy Ghost goes to bed at nine, so after eating s’mores, we retired to our tents early. Brother Jensen and I shared a tent while our twelve kids shared two large six man tents. I lay down in my sleeping bag and began to fall asleep next to my eternal companion, when all of a sudden my spirit began to leave my body. I floated toward the ceiling of the tent and looked down to see my body, which rested peacefully next to Brother Jensen. I went right through the top of the tent into the night sky. Next thing I knew, I was headed down a long dark tunnel. At the end of the tunnel was a brilliant light. As my spirit emerged from the darkness into the light, a glorious, heavenly female dressed in white met me. This sister took my hand and led me to a large, bustling city made of gold.

She led me into the door of one of the buildings and up a grand staircase. When we reached the second floor, I found myself surrounded by sisters from Relief Society who had already passed on. They scurried around busily. I asked one of them what they were doing. She smiled and showed me the most beautiful kitchen ornament you’ve ever seen! It was made of wood, shaped like a heart, and had a picture of this cute bear with a thought bubble that read “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I nearly fainted from the joy and peace I felt in my heart. This same sister, who I later found out was my great grandmother Clarissa by looking at our ancestral photo album, went on to show me the most adorable little handicrafts: puffy paint shirts, dried flower arrangements, and “You Are Special Today” plates. She told me that she had been making these and other pieces ever since she died one hundred years ago.

My vision ended soon after that. My spirit returned to my body in our tent and I woke up next to a sleeping Brother Jensen. I immediately awakened him to share my beautiful out-of-body experience with him.

I share this experience with you to let you know that if we persevere to the end, we as the sisters of Zion will also have the opportunity to make puffy paint shirts, small wooden bears, and lace curtains for eternity! The mere thought of this makes me want to stay on the straight and narrow. How about you?

I share these things in the name of our Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

Sister J

Spiritual Thought

2005-08-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

You're only as good as the handicrafts you make at Relief Society.

Friday's Sinners

2005-08-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

My heavens!! More proof of the second coming of our Savior has manifested itself to me. This past Saturday evening, Brother Jensen and I decided to enjoy a date night. We left our eleven children who still live at home and headed to TGIFriday’s for a savory meal. Everything was splendid: the red and white striped décor, the throwback chackas, the chicken and rice. Heck, it was turning out to be quite the romantic evening for Brother Jensen and me.

The evening, however, made a turn for the worse when I decided to go to the Ladies’ room to powder my nose. As I entered one of the vacant cubicles, I felt the room begin to shake. I thought that it was an earthquake and that the Lord was descending from the Heavens to save the Jews in Jerusalem. Instead, I heard a low, feminine moan from the next cubicle. Oh my, I thought to myself, the chicken is disagreeing with the woman next to me. But then I heard a different sound, a smacking, kissing sound. And then I heard another woman’s voice say, “Yeah, baby, take my digits. I’ve got you all wet with desire. I’m going to make you come across the bathroom.”

Imagine my shock, my horror, my utter dismay. The cubicle continued to shake, then I heard one of the women scream at the top of her lungs, “Oh yes, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

I was paralyzed with shock. When I finally realized that two daughters of Our Heavenly Father were committing the egregious sin of homosexuality, I quickly flushed the toilet and ran out to safety. I sat down to my table, face drained of color, and Brother Jensen asked me what had happened. I was unable to talk for the rest of dinner. When I finally managed to say something, all I could manage was, “Women…sex…restroom…lesbians!”

But it was too late--the sinners had already fled the restaurant. I’m never going to be able to eat at Friday’s again. I lodged a complaint with the manager, but all he did was pay for our Bloomin’ Onion appetizer. My evening was ruined!

I know that The Church is true. The revelations of the Bible and the Book of Mormon talk about these very sins. God is on his way. Repent!

A Divine Revelation About Scrapbooking

2005-07-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

Today, as I sat in my living room sewing a large blanket with a beautiful rendition of the Ogden Temple on the front, I reflected upon the many scrapbooking stores in the Salt Lake and Davis Counties. I began to feel curious about which store I should go to for some new jagged edged scissors, stamps, blank scrapbook pages, and other assorted scrapbook materials. I thought long and hard about this difficult decision, until I picked up the Holy Bible and blindly opened the well-worn leather cover to the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

I figured that if anyone needed divine guidance, it was me. So I gently placed the unfinished temple blanket on the couch and kneeled down on the carpeted living room floor. Immediately, I was seized by some dark power that took total control of my body. My tongue was bound and I could not speak! The darkness settled around me, and I felt as though I was headed for certain destruction.

However, I managed to send what little force I had left in a powerful supplication to the Almighty, and at the point where I was ready to give up and allow myself to be destroyed by this evil force, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

This light no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name, and said, pointing to the other, "This is my Beloved Son, hear Him!"

At this point, I asked this floating deity, who I now know to be Jesus Christ, which of all the scrapbooking stores has the best deals to go along with the highest quality products.

Jesus said unto me, “For all of your scrapbooking needs, ‘Pebbles in My Pocket’ has the best prices and highest quality products, guaranteed. Other craft stores, such as ‘Quilted Bear’ and ‘Michaels’, draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; they sell low quality scrap book materials at unreasonable prices, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof. Besides, they don’t really specialize in scrapbooking, do they now Sister Jensen?”

I was also told to go and spread this revelation to all of the chosen scrapbookers of Israel. So here I am, in my blog, testifying to you of the truthfulness of this visit from God the Eternal Father and His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

I know that “Pebbles in My Pocket” is the one true scrapbook store. It is only through visiting this store that we can achieve eternal scrap book salvation.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

My RV in the Sky

2005-07-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

When you feel the Spirit, do you feel a burning in your bosom? If you do, I sincerely hope it’s not your prostrate. If it is, you’re going to the Telestial Kingdom, which will be full of fags, non-Mormons, and Hitler.

Oh, and check out this new blog I’ve been led to: http://evenmoretruechurch.blogspot.com/. I hope we can all be worthy enough to view these words and pray to God about the veracity of these sayings. I’ve prayed and been told that if I’m worthy, I too can have an RV in the Celestial Kingdom. If I get there, I’m going to have a Winnebago with shag carpet.

Outrage! Get Your Dry Goods Ready...

2005-07-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

My outrage grows as this great state of Utah continues its descent into moral depravity. Why just the other day--on Pioneer Day for Heaven's sake--I read a disparaging article in the Salt Lake Tribune about the decreasing percentage of Church members in Zion. Now, they’re saying that only 62% of the state is Mormon, and that doesn’t take into account all of the less actives and Jack Mormons. Times, they are-a-changin'!

I remember the good old days when I was a kid. I lived in Orem and at that time there were no non-members for miles. There was one non-Mormon kid in high school, but we converted her so fast her head was spinning with the Spirit.

This young woman’s name was Marlene. Her family moved from Denver, Colorado because her father, a forest ranger, was transferred to the Wasatch Forest. She was a sad, lost little creature. You could just see in her eyes how badly she needed the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She would arrive to school everyday, big bangs and all, and sit in the corner by herself. She just didn’t fit in, you see. While the rest of us would spend Monday mornings before first period talking about how spiritual Sunday School had been the day before, Marlene would brood by herself. Of course, we weren’t all that interested in hearing about her gentile ways. Her father was a Presbyterian, whatever that is. Finally, one day she approached my drill team friends and me and asked us if she could come to the Stake dance, which was going to be the next week.

“Of course you can come,” my friend Betsy said, “And if you let the missionaries visit you, you can come whenever you want to!”

And boy, did Marlene come!

A mere two weeks later, Marlene was baptized. Her father was incensed, but what did he know? At the baptismal service, the heavens were opened, the veil parted, and a good time was had by all. We even sang hymns of devotion and ate lemon bars!

But do you think these types of spiritually edifying activities are happening in Orem today? No! I've heard that the youth of Orem are immersed in drug culture and gangsta rap music. This dearth of spirituality is yet another indication that the end of the world is coming. Get your dry storage goods ready, because now that the state of Utah is filled with homosexuals and tree huggers and these sinners outnumber the Saints, you know the Lord is on his way to save us all!

Sanctified Shopping Malls

2005-07-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

I’m so grateful for the inspired leaders we have in God’s chosen Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We can push forward knowing that the decisions they make are truly inspired by Our Savior.

Take for instance their recent one billion dollar investment in the remaking of two downtown Salt Lake City malls. This is yet another example of the spiritual progress of Zion.

I feel the Spirit as I visualize thousands of God’s children, wandering through the celestial lighting of these sanctified shopping malls, purchasing modest, appropriate clothing. We’ll be exactly like our pioneer ancestors, those who caravanned so bravely across the plains to Zion. The only difference is that instead of enduring winter storms, we’ll be buying Brookstone massagers and refreshing slushies from Orange Julius.

Sister Epperson told me that there will be a Laura Ashley store on the second floor, right next to Gymboree and Deseret Book. I know I shouldn’t talk dirty, but I feel pretty moist thinking about the denim dresses and floral print blouses I’ll be buying there. And when I consider the access I will have to The Work and the Glory series at Deseret Book, my bosom burns from within.

Some complain that The Church is using tithing money for this inspired investment instead of using it on humanitarian aid. These gentiles obviously don’t have faith in the divine guidance of our leaders. Besides, I would gladly pay 10% of my gross income to fund this endeavor. I sleep safely at night knowing that my money is going to the Lord’s shopping malls. I’d rather it go there than to tsunami survivors or hurricane victims. In this way, The Church will make more money and expand more rapidly across the world.

Let us all be temple worthy so that we can attend the dedication of these sanctified buildings of commerce. At that spiritual event, we will all give the Hosanna Shout, in which we will sing in unison, “Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna to God, the Lamb, and Laura Ashley. Amen, Amen, and Amen."

Snickerdoodles for the Dead

2005-07-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

A snickerdoodle is much like the Gospel of Jesus Christ: once you taste of its buttery goodness, there’s no turning back. Those of us fortunate to be alive today in the latter days have all savored this cinnamon and sugar confectionary. But what about our ancestors who lived before the snickerdoodle? We know that they’ve moved on from this temporal world and no longer have corporeal bodies which would allow them to chew, taste, and swallow.

This recipe/ritual will enable our forefathers and mothers who are locked in spirit prison to taste of the fullness of the everlasting snickerdoodle.

Please follow carefully the following instructions:

Ingredients:

½ cup butter, softened
½ cup shortening, butter flavor
1 ½ cups sugar
2 eggs
2 ¾ cupsflour, all-purpose
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ tablespoon consecrated olive oil

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Mix thoroughly in a bowl the butter, shortening, sugar and eggs.
3. Blend in flour, cream of tartar, soda and salt.
4. Chill.
5. Shape rounded teaspoonfuls into balls.
6. *Roll in sugar mixture leaving a small area uncoated.
7. Anoint baking sheet with consecrated oil.
8. Place uncoated side down on baking sheet two inches apart.
9. Slightly flatten balls with a glass.
10. Bake 6 to 8 minutes or until set.
11. Remove from baking sheet immediately.
12. **Perform snickerdoodle-by-proxy ritual.

*Sugar mixture: 2 tablespoons of sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon, and 1 teaspoon nutmeg. Mix ingredients in a small bowl.

**Melchizedek priesthood holder lays hands upon a worthy member and recites the following prayer:

(First, middle, and last names of snickerdoodle eater), having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I feed this snickerdoodle unto you, for and in behalf of (First, middle, and last names of deceased), who is dead, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

Upon completion of prayer, Melchizedek priesthood holder will place a sanctified snickerdoodle in the worthy member’s mouth. It is then up to the deceased to accept or reject the cookie, but your job is done.

Don't forget to thank Heavenly Father for the gift of snickerdoodles!

Scandal!

2005-07-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

Scandal has rocked the Bountiful 224^th ward!

Not that I’m one to gossip, but Brother Huntington, our loveable, pot-bellied choir director, has recently “come out of the closet” and revealed his love for Brother Snow, the elders’ quorum president. A reliable source tells me that these two have been having sexual relations for years.

I would have never guessed Brother Huntington to struggle with SSA. I mean, he sort of lisps when he talks and his ties are a bit on the colorful side, but still, you never expect this to happen in a righteous place like Bountiful. And even if he struggles with these shameful tendencies, he could at least repress them and carry on with his wife and kids.

As far as Brother Snow is concerned, I’m even more shocked. Unlike Brother Huntington, he doesn’t swivel his large hips as he walks down the hallway. He has been actively involved in the elders’ quorum for years and plays basketball in the cultural hall every Wednesday morning.

I can see that these two brothers have lost their countenances. They’ve lost their way and will have one heck of a time trying to get back to the Lord. My prayers are with their families. Brother Snow’s wife was in tears during sacrament meeting on Sunday. I think I’ll take her some casserole with mushroom soup filling this Wednesday to fill her heart and her stomach. She’s going to need a lot of support to get through these trials and tribulations.

Of course, the cup of wrath that the Lord has in store for these two sinners brimmeth over. I for one am deeply saddened by these signs of the times. The Lord must be on his way. If this sort of evil is even rampant in Zion, that must mean that the Lord is ready to come again.

My Heterosexual Son

2005-06-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to my blog. I hope that we can feel the Spirit together on this glorious day.

I would like to share with you an inspirational story about the oldest of my thirteen children. He is our beloved returned missionary Elder LeDale LeRue Jensen. LeDale just turned 26 and is thriving in the Department of Theatre and Media Arts at Brigham Young University. Just last Saturday, Brother Jensen and I watched as he starred in a beautiful rendition of The Sound of Music in the de Jong Concert Hall on the Lord’s chosen campus of BYU. He also participates in the Young Ambassadors Program and tours the country with other musically minded young men who, for whatever reason, have yet to marry.

My prayer is that you take after LeDale. He regularly dates daughters of Our Heavenly Father, and even though he has yet to marry, it’s possible that he has already met his soul mate! His most recent date was with Sister Ashley Hatch Sorensen, and he tells me that he felt the Spirit burn in his bosom as the two watched Les Miserables and ate caramel popcorn together. Now, do you think he’d have felt that burning sensation in his pelvic area with another man? No! It’s just a matter of time before they marry in the Provo Temple where they’ll be sealed for all time and eternity. I just know it!

LeDale has always been a sweet, sensitive ladies’ man. I remember when he was a child. He would play dolls and house with the neighborhood girls. He was never interested in sports or G.I. Joes, but he sure loved My Little Pony! LeDale laughs at these memories. He tells me that these were his way of getting in with the girls. HAHA! That’s our good, little heterosexual boy!

I hope that you too can find a way to meet members of the opposite sex in order to reap the benefits of a godlike family structure.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Sister Jensen

Benediction

2005-06-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear, dear brothers and sisters. My name is Sister Elemay Merle Jensen. I’m a highly devoted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or the Mormons, as people incorrectly identify us). I want to share with you my feelings for God’s plan of salvation and how homosexuality does not fit into this plan.

God's plan consists of a man and a woman marrying and procreating. Sex is merely a way to bring children into the world. To share with you an example of how sex should work, my husband, Brother Jeremiah Spencer Jensen, and I have enjoyed a mutually beneficial sex life for the past 24 years of our married lives. We’ve had sex exactly 18 times in that brief period. We haven’t even needed to use birth control (a dangerous trap set by Satan) in order to fulfill the Lord’s purpose of creation. Out of those 18 times, we’ve managed to bring 13 children into our home (for those of you sport-loving, tuna taco eaters out there, that means we’re shooting 13 for 18, or 72.2%, which is a much better free throw shooting percentage than many NBA basketball players).

What does that mean for those of you who struggle with Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and who have been led by The Holy Spirit to this blessed blog? This means, brothers and sisters, that you must stop persecuting the righteous and repent of your many iniquities. Cease to harass us, the families of this great nation. We marry in righteousness before the Lord and have standard, missionary position sex in the dark while clothed in our robes of righteousness. We are not here to engage in flesh-gratifying sexual positions that have no chance of bringing another chosen soul to this temporal world we inhabit. I heard the other day that some of you SSA people out there engage in iniquitous positions such as the ‘69’ and ‘doggie-style’. I cringe to think about the ‘rimjobs’ you give each other on a nightly basis! Is that before or after a sanctified bowel movement? Ew!

What’s worse? Lesbians stimulate each other with their fingers, tongues, or dildos in order to maximize sexual pleasure! My nether regions quiver just to think of it. Hark! Stop threatening us, the good and faithful, normal heterosexual people of this land. Don’t degrade our unions with your filthy acts of sexual deviance.

My children will not be influenced by your beastial acts. We moved to Bountiful because I don't want any of them seeing your faggotry and consequently bringing home a lisping, whispy, twinkle-toed apostate or a crunchy, sandal and flannel wearing bull dyke for dinner. These animals will not eat from the godly green jello salad or the crunchy, chessy funeral potatoes that the Lord bestows upon this chosen family of His on a regular basis. Nor will any sinners for that matter. Those of you who engage in butt piracy or bean tickling will instead drink of the cup of the wrath of God, which does not taste like a cosmopolitan; nor does it taste like an apple-tini. It’s bitter and gross and will gag you for all eternity (and just because you’ve lost your gag reflex does not mean you won’t gag!).

Do you feel peace, tranquility, hope, and/or joy? That’s the Spirit of the Lord. It’s telling you to repent. I invite you to repent and join the ranks of the LDS Church. Raspberry jam chicken and rice await you in the Lord’s fold.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Until next time, your sister in Christ,

Sister Jensen