Sanctified Shopping Malls

I’m so grateful for the inspired leaders we have in God’s chosen Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We can push forward knowing that the decisions they make are truly inspired by Our Savior.

Take for instance their recent one billion dollar investment in the remaking of two downtown Salt Lake City malls. This is yet another example of the spiritual progress of Zion.

I feel the Spirit as I visualize thousands of God’s children, wandering through the celestial lighting of these sanctified shopping malls, purchasing modest, appropriate clothing. We’ll be exactly like our pioneer ancestors, those who caravanned so bravely across the plains to Zion. The only difference is that instead of enduring winter storms, we’ll be buying Brookstone massagers and refreshing slushies from Orange Julius.

Sister Epperson told me that there will be a Laura Ashley store on the second floor, right next to Gymboree and Deseret Book. I know I shouldn’t talk dirty, but I feel pretty moist thinking about the denim dresses and floral print blouses I’ll be buying there. And when I consider the access I will have to The Work and the Glory series at Deseret Book, my bosom burns from within.

Some complain that The Church is using tithing money for this inspired investment instead of using it on humanitarian aid. These gentiles obviously don’t have faith in the divine guidance of our leaders. Besides, I would gladly pay 10% of my gross income to fund this endeavor. I sleep safely at night knowing that my money is going to the Lord’s shopping malls. I’d rather it go there than to tsunami survivors or hurricane victims. In this way, The Church will make more money and expand more rapidly across the world.

Let us all be temple worthy so that we can attend the dedication of these sanctified buildings of commerce. At that spiritual event, we will all give the Hosanna Shout, in which we will sing in unison, “Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna to God, the Lamb, and Laura Ashley. Amen, Amen, and Amen."