I'm back!

I realize that it has been almost a year since my last blog entry. I apologize to all of my righteous brothers and sisters out there who haven't had the opportunity to read my inspired words.

I must be honest, I've been extremely depressed over the loss of my husband to the love that dareth not speak its name. He has officially left me and moved to a downtown loft in Salt Lake City. Apparently, he is living with a 19 year-old boy named Cody. Brother Jensen has bleached and spiked his hair, pierced his ears, and filled his closet with rayon shirts. Hardly approrpriate for a 55 year-old man! I've hired a private investigator who has followed him around at night. The investigator tells me that Brother Jensen regularly attends a dance club called Axis, and another one called Sound where he rubs up against young men and drinks cosmopolitans until he can barely stand up.

As for me, I'll be honest, it has been a rough road. Thank god for prozac and the Book of Mormon! Withouth these blessings from the Lord, I'd probably curl up in a ball and eat keebler cookies until I died.

In spite of my foggy, prozac state, I've decided that I must fight homosexuality, as it is an egregious sin that destroys families and promotes yucky behavior. I've been to several town hall meetings, and I've also had some meetings with Gayle Ruzicka of the Eagle Forum. We' re destined to inspire people to leave their sinful ways and cleave to morality and proper living.

The Way We Were

I would like to thank you for all of your prayers. I can feel the hand of Our Heavenly Father work in my life. In spite of the outrageousness of the past couple weeks, I will continue forward in my quest for eternal salvation.

I’ve returned home, but Brother Jensen has left town on business. It’s probably better this way. I just hope he isn’t doing the unmentionable with other “barely legal” young men out there. However, deep down, I know that I need to put his needs first since he is a priesthood holder.

It’s just so hard for me to accept my husband’s sexual deviance, especially considering how we met.

It was a warm Provo evening. I was filled with the Spirit as I attended a dance for BYU Orientation Week.

At the time, I was a young, eighteen year-old freshman. I wasn’t terribly interested in actually getting an education; I was more focused on getting what some like to call the M.R.S. Ha!

Anyway, as I danced the night away to some new wave hit of the moment (I want to say it was a piece of godless music from Men At Work) with my new roommate and needlepoint sister-in-Christ, Betsy Hall, I looked to the outside of the large clump of righteous BYU students to see a timid, bespectacled young man walking around the perimeter of the dancers. He looked nervous and apprehensive, and I knew immediately that we were going to be together forever.

I approached him and asked him to dance. He giggled and assented. I led the dance since I was clearly the more experienced dancer, but he seemed to hold his own.

Looking back on that night, I think what attracted me most to Brother Jensen was his sensitivity. He was only 21 and had just returned home from a mission to the Brazil Sao Paolo Northeast Southwest Mission.

But now I think I should have been more suspicious of his former mission companion, who he seemed attached to at the hip. As Brother Jensen and I began our courtship, I thought it strange that they would spend hours at a time wrestling on the ground together, practically ignoring me completely. I just laughed and thought about how Joseph Smith did the same thing when he was alive. Now it seems he just wanted to feel another man next to him.

I’m sorry, I’m too emotional to continue. More later…

Sister J

My Homosexual Husband

Some of you out there may be wondering where I’ve been this past week. I’m sure that many of you are practically starving without the spiritual nourishment you receive when you read my edifying blogs.

I must confess that, for once, I’m at a loss for words. Well, almost at a loss for words. You see, I’ve discovered something about my husband that is tearing me asunder!

Just the other night, as I was surfing the web in search of a general conference talk from one of the brethren (“Spiritual Crocodiles” from Brother Packer, to be exact), a most unsightly pop up blared out at me from the computer monitor, much like Packer’s allegorical crocodiles that pop out of watering holes when you least expect them. The ad was of a naked young man with silky white skin and a flashing sign that read “Barely Legal”. I could scarcely believe my eyes.

I quickly x-ed out of the pop-up, intending to continue with my perusal for the talk, when I was hijacked and taken to a web site of homosexual sinners engaging in the love that dare not speaketh its name. On the top of the web page, it said, “Welcome Back, topdaddyspence” (for those of you who don’t know, my husband’s name is Jermiah Spencer Jensen, but he goes by Spencer, or Brother Jensen).

This particular web page was filthy. Pictures of men in leather harnesses and assless chaps assaulted my innocent eyes. And as it turns out, Brother Jensen had been on this site numerous times.

I vaguely recall the rest of the evening, but suffice it to say that I let out a horrible shriek. Brother Jensen came running into the room to witness his big secret being unearthed by the power of the Spirit. His face turned red and he tried to talk to me, but I wouldn’t listen.

“Elemay, I can explain. Sweetheart, I’m sorry…”

Mumbling and fumbling for words, Brother Jensen tried to console me. But I was having none of it. I ran out of the house, hopped in my minivan, and drove straight to my sister’s house, where I sat in her panic room with a Book of Mormon and a box of Oreos for three days straight. I finally emerged after a heavenly visitation by Moroni, in which I was instructed to finish the box of Oreos, read Alma chapter 5, and go to the Bountiful Temple.

So after an entire day spent in the temple, I’m sitting down to the computer to write these terrible tidings. It turns out that my husband has homosexual tendencies. I’ve been talking to Bishop Alexander about whether to divorce Spencer or stick with him. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I know the Spirit will lead me down paths of righteousness. Any suggestions out there?

S. Jensen

The Parting of the Veil

I’ve had yet another spiritual experience. You may be asking yourself, Doesn’t the Spirit ever cease to be with Sister Jensen? The answer, of course, is a resounding no!

This past weekend, I went camping with the rest of our eternal family to the High Uintas. We had a lovely evening filled with prayer and songs of devotion. Of course, the Holy Ghost goes to bed at nine, so after eating s’mores, we retired to our tents early. Brother Jensen and I shared a tent while our twelve kids shared two large six man tents. I lay down in my sleeping bag and began to fall asleep next to my eternal companion, when all of a sudden my spirit began to leave my body. I floated toward the ceiling of the tent and looked down to see my body, which rested peacefully next to Brother Jensen. I went right through the top of the tent into the night sky. Next thing I knew, I was headed down a long dark tunnel. At the end of the tunnel was a brilliant light. As my spirit emerged from the darkness into the light, a glorious, heavenly female dressed in white met me. This sister took my hand and led me to a large, bustling city made of gold.

She led me into the door of one of the buildings and up a grand staircase. When we reached the second floor, I found myself surrounded by sisters from Relief Society who had already passed on. They scurried around busily. I asked one of them what they were doing. She smiled and showed me the most beautiful kitchen ornament you’ve ever seen! It was made of wood, shaped like a heart, and had a picture of this cute bear with a thought bubble that read “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I nearly fainted from the joy and peace I felt in my heart. This same sister, who I later found out was my great grandmother Clarissa by looking at our ancestral photo album, went on to show me the most adorable little handicrafts: puffy paint shirts, dried flower arrangements, and “You Are Special Today” plates. She told me that she had been making these and other pieces ever since she died one hundred years ago.

My vision ended soon after that. My spirit returned to my body in our tent and I woke up next to a sleeping Brother Jensen. I immediately awakened him to share my beautiful out-of-body experience with him.

I share this experience with you to let you know that if we persevere to the end, we as the sisters of Zion will also have the opportunity to make puffy paint shirts, small wooden bears, and lace curtains for eternity! The mere thought of this makes me want to stay on the straight and narrow. How about you?

I share these things in the name of our Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

Sister J

Spiritual Thought

You're only as good as the handicrafts you make at Relief Society.

Friday's Sinners

My heavens!! More proof of the second coming of our Savior has manifested itself to me. This past Saturday evening, Brother Jensen and I decided to enjoy a date night. We left our eleven children who still live at home and headed to TGIFriday’s for a savory meal. Everything was splendid: the red and white striped décor, the throwback chackas, the chicken and rice. Heck, it was turning out to be quite the romantic evening for Brother Jensen and me.

The evening, however, made a turn for the worse when I decided to go to the Ladies’ room to powder my nose. As I entered one of the vacant cubicles, I felt the room begin to shake. I thought that it was an earthquake and that the Lord was descending from the Heavens to save the Jews in Jerusalem. Instead, I heard a low, feminine moan from the next cubicle. Oh my, I thought to myself, the chicken is disagreeing with the woman next to me. But then I heard a different sound, a smacking, kissing sound. And then I heard another woman’s voice say, “Yeah, baby, take my digits. I’ve got you all wet with desire. I’m going to make you come across the bathroom.”

Imagine my shock, my horror, my utter dismay. The cubicle continued to shake, then I heard one of the women scream at the top of her lungs, “Oh yes, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

I was paralyzed with shock. When I finally realized that two daughters of Our Heavenly Father were committing the egregious sin of homosexuality, I quickly flushed the toilet and ran out to safety. I sat down to my table, face drained of color, and Brother Jensen asked me what had happened. I was unable to talk for the rest of dinner. When I finally managed to say something, all I could manage was, “Women…sex…restroom…lesbians!”

But it was too late--the sinners had already fled the restaurant. I’m never going to be able to eat at Friday’s again. I lodged a complaint with the manager, but all he did was pay for our Bloomin’ Onion appetizer. My evening was ruined!

I know that The Church is true. The revelations of the Bible and the Book of Mormon talk about these very sins. God is on his way. Repent!

A Divine Revelation About Scrapbooking

Today, as I sat in my living room sewing a large blanket with a beautiful rendition of the Ogden Temple on the front, I reflected upon the many scrapbooking stores in the Salt Lake and Davis Counties. I began to feel curious about which store I should go to for some new jagged edged scissors, stamps, blank scrapbook pages, and other assorted scrapbook materials. I thought long and hard about this difficult decision, until I picked up the Holy Bible and blindly opened the well-worn leather cover to the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

I figured that if anyone needed divine guidance, it was me. So I gently placed the unfinished temple blanket on the couch and kneeled down on the carpeted living room floor. Immediately, I was seized by some dark power that took total control of my body. My tongue was bound and I could not speak! The darkness settled around me, and I felt as though I was headed for certain destruction.

However, I managed to send what little force I had left in a powerful supplication to the Almighty, and at the point where I was ready to give up and allow myself to be destroyed by this evil force, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

This light no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name, and said, pointing to the other, "This is my Beloved Son, hear Him!"

At this point, I asked this floating deity, who I now know to be Jesus Christ, which of all the scrapbooking stores has the best deals to go along with the highest quality products.

Jesus said unto me, “For all of your scrapbooking needs, ‘Pebbles in My Pocket’ has the best prices and highest quality products, guaranteed. Other craft stores, such as ‘Quilted Bear’ and ‘Michaels’, draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; they sell low quality scrap book materials at unreasonable prices, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof. Besides, they don’t really specialize in scrapbooking, do they now Sister Jensen?”

I was also told to go and spread this revelation to all of the chosen scrapbookers of Israel. So here I am, in my blog, testifying to you of the truthfulness of this visit from God the Eternal Father and His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.

I know that “Pebbles in My Pocket” is the one true scrapbook store. It is only through visiting this store that we can achieve eternal scrap book salvation.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.